I hate the blank page. Always have. It’s terrifying.
It makes me feel inept. I look at it and see nothing. It’s a horrible feeling especially when the voices say, “Don’t waste your time. You’re not worthy, your worthless and everything you create is awful.” The voice was pretty loud yesterday but it’s always been there. That’s why I don’t draw as often as I’d like. I’m afraid of the voices.
So I stopped trying to draw and did a tarot reading instead. Insight is what I needed. And strength.
I recently purchased the app version of the Shadowlands deck. I wanted to have something portable plus it’s a good way to view the before purchasing the actual deck. I love it! The amazing images by Stephanie Pui-Mun Law really speak to me. Having the actual cards in hand someday I know will make my hands tingle. I connect with this deck and in turn, today it gave me a kick in the butt.
Basically, the cards told me that changes need to be made and I have the support of the universe. It’s a war between emotion, nasty voices and logic, justice.
In the end, I drew the four of cups, telling me to pull away from my own reflection. I’m too self absorbed. Ya I guess, but hadn’t seen it that way, probably because I was too self-absorbed. Ironic.
Last card was the Queen of Swords reversed. She slices through lies and deception to the heart of truth discarding the past and those cocooning shells to seek the true face to wear to the world. She’s a strong one and her reflection shows her exactly what is in her soul, shining brightly. Shazzam.
So buck up, baby. Admit to the self-hatred but know there’s love in there and show it off, girl! There’s a war going on in my head when it comes to self-belief so this is easier said than done. I’ll be visiting that reading often to remind me of who I can be.
After the reading I came back to the white page and copied an illustration from a sticker sitting on the table in order to just draw something. Then I made this. It just drew itself which is something that ever so rarely happens but I’m so thankful it did. It’s not amazing visually at all but it speaks to me of grace and the childhood faith of anything being possible. Mostly, it symbolises a moment without the fear of the voices.
A wee narwhal baby: The unicorn of the sea. A bit of magic.
I needed that drawing. I went to sleep with a mind full of images. No judging voices. Just flowing imagery. Rare but so nice.
I feel the same exact way! It stops me from creating more than I would like to admit. The “you are not good enough” “don’t waste your time” mantras. The only one standing in my way is me. I need a constant reminder of that. Just know that you are not the only one and your work is important even if no one sees it but you. xo
Yes! It’s like I am my own ghost whose haunting my being with scary, awful thoughts. The biggest challenge is just doing it for myself and no one else. There always seems to be this need to have others accept and like what I’ve created, proof that I exist.
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