Warning. I am going to lay back on my proverbial couch and spill my guts. It’s gonna be a bit yucky and something I don’t like to do but I feel like I need to bare my soul a bit. If you don’t like that sorta thing, that’s okay. I get it. I don’t visit art sites to read about people spilling their guts, but to see their work. I guess I can be a bit hypocritical that way. I’m not perfect, that’s for sure. Far from. I’m a walking contradiction and sometimes it drives my husband nuts. Thank goodness he loves me so.
And I warn as well that there are no pictures with this post. I hate reading posts with no pics. I am such a visual person. Meaning this is as much here for me to just write for me.
So here’s what going on. I’m stuck. In a rut. Ooh, big surprise. It happens to us all, I know. But here’s the deal anyway:
I produce a piece of work that I am really happy with and that others really enjoy. I am filled with kind words of encouragement and I get all teary-eyed to think people are moved by my work. Because for me, that’s what it’s all about. Moving others with my work. But that’s my problem too.
I become paralyzed. Suddenly, I feel I cannot live up to the expectations any longer. My next piece will show me for what I am, an imposter, someone who from time to time can create something good, where in truth I am someone who really isn’t that great at all. Oh the letdown. It kills my spirit.
In art school I had made this awesome metal book for one of my classes and the prof was so impressed that he borrowed it to show others. I couldn’t live up to it with future work. I was paralyzed before I even began and totally croaked on the last assignment.
I am so driven by what others think, or will think that I find I just cannot often create for myself. Is there anyone out there who feels the same? Let’s have tea together!
I have a hard time doing art for me. It’s always been my challenge since art college. That’s not to say I didn’t go on to make some good stuff in other classes and my solo graduation show was pretty kick-ass, so I was told. But not everything was great. I want it all to be great. Shouldn’t it all be great? But, I only see it as great if others do. That the ruler by which I measure myself.
Oh, the awful, depressing and soul-crushing voices in my head.
I am posting this because I want to put myself out there. To admit that not everything I make is something I like. Not everything I make is something good. I hate that. Probably not shocking, right? But it feels just plain awful. I see all of these amazing pieces of work: art journals, paintings, drawings. And piece after piece the artist makes something amazing. How do they do that? It’s so inspiring and so scary for me at the same time.
And I am not writing this to say, ‘Oh woe is me. No one understands me!’ I’m not one of those to try to make a big deal out of me, in saying, ‘Ya, your life may suck but mine is worse’. That’s silly and so ridiculous. I don’t play that game. I am thankful, so thankful for the life I have. I just have some gunk to clean off myself.
Moving on…
I just read this post on Van Gogh that really struck me so please click on over and read it if you too, have doubts about what you do, and even if you don’t you may find a nugget of wisdom.
What would Van Gogh have produced if he hadn’t killed himself? What would he have left behind if he had died decades later? If the monkey hadn’t been screaming in his ear so loudly? Wonderful wonderful post. It’s what I needed to read this morning.
That monkey, that darned monkey. She’s on my back right now and constantly talking in my ear these days.
The struggles we go through to be who we are and who we want to be. I need to focus on who I want to be and reach deep down into my Self and grasp hold of that part of me that knows I can do so much. I can be so much. I need to throw the monkey off of my back. The first step to doing so is to be aware of her presence.
Last night I drew The King of Swords. This morning I drew The Emperor. Spirit is telling me I need to take control. Be strong. That I have what it takes to do this. I will look at these cards every time I pass my art table and feel the strength they imbue and remember that it’s okay to suck sometimes. It’s part of the process. It’s growth.
So the next piece I post may very well suck. But, that’s okay. And I’m most likely making a mountain out of a molehill. So dramatic sometimes!
Oh man, though, oh man. It feels good to throw up sometimes. Get all the yucky stuff out of my body that it knows is not good for me. I feel better. Lighter.
And wouldn’t you know it, my boys have decided to clean all our apples and the drawer in the fridge, plus vacuum, mop and dust while I write this post. Blessed boys. So awesome. They are so intuitive.
Okay, I lied. Here’s one pic. This dude guards my work area. Keeps it free of unwanted stuff, like monkies. 😉
Moongirl
Added in morning of Feb 11:
After this post a couple of friends sent me some links and I wanted to share them here. Maybe just for me. Maybe so that I’d remember how good friends are the ones who speak up and notice when you just need a supporting hug. 🙂
In this video Jeff Walker talks about not comparing yourself and your work, your process to anyone else’s. The behind the scene stuff can be messy and we all have it.
Glennon from Momastery rocks and this went straight to my heart only instead of monkeys she calls them monsters. Monkeys can be monsters. They can be cute and sweet looking and playful, and then they can suddenly be ferocious and destructive. Yuck. 
I love this part and I replace the word ‘writing’ with ‘making art’:
“I know that in 85% of the areas in my life, I am fat and full. But in the space where my desire is strongest–writing–I forget.
I get sad and solitary – both of which strengthen the binds that tie my tongue and block my flow.”
and this:
“I want the sweetness that permeates the rest of my life to fray the edges of fear in this area and I want to be brave – today – tomorrow and beyond.
I want to be big.”
– See more at: http://momastery.com/blog/2015/02/10/how-to-train-monsters/#sthash.yGk8Jygq.dpuf
But that’s not all of it, there’s more, much more. Go read it.
I feel better already. I haven’t drawn anything yet but knowing that I have such support, such good friends who don’t ignore when their friends are feeling ‘not quite right’, when they notice and even simply ask what’s up, and listen, those are the best, the realest friends. Love you all.
Happy creating! (note to self: repeat, repeat, repeat)
Moongirl
xo you!
Hang in there.
Just wanted to tell you that you are not alone with all those gremlims, they make visits to my studio (my bed) where I often paint small paintings. My experience has been that when I figure out where those critical voices come from and where these tapes got created I can often process my way out of a lot of the negative thinking. I’ve been working on this a LONG time. I have found that the more I create quantities of work, the more confidence I get. I totally resonate with the idea that some pieces of work that I create I don’t LOVE. But I’ll tell you .. over the years I put a lot the work that i make into clear sleeved books. Small portfolio’s of work because a lot of my work is on paper. I know which pieces I don’t particularly love or which ones I wish looked better TO ME. And it always leaves me surprised and gives me a bit of an ironic chuckle when repeatedly someone will look at the piece I don’t like so much and tell me how much they LOVE it. I think i hate that and they say . oh i really love this.. and I’m like “oh thank you” with this like “REALLY?” going on in my mind. I’ve come to the conclusion that art resonates with people when it trigger’s something that is familiar or known to them. We as artists never know what that is going to be. So even if it isn’t good to you .. it is that something to someone else. It’s just one piece in your growing list of works produced by you. It seems that validation is what your lacking and when people like it that is validating. Perhaps even just giving yourself what you want could be done too. Love yourself, validate yourself. May seem silly but I know it helps. I’ll end my comments with the quote my cousins and I were talking about just yesterday and that is “what other people think is none of your business” and yes it’s an attempt to remind us that it is not as important as what we think about ourselves. I do crazy things like jump up and down in my room yelling things like “i’m a fabulous artist!!” “my new paintings are selling!!!” and these things are just for me. They make me feel silly but as I do it more and more .. it wisps away those gremlins. Thanks for the giving me the opportunity to remember what I need to do today … i’m a go jumping now. 🙂 hope you have a fabulously artistic loving day!!!
Oh my goodness, Tammy, I wish you were here with me so I could give you the biggest hug ever!!! You are amazing. Wow. Thank you so much. You took the time to write this reply with words that are just right and filled with wisdom. You share your experience and how you deal and that helps so much. I will be reading this over and over again. And I love your saying about what others think and how you deal with it – I’m going to do some jumping too! Thank you thank you thank you!!! Hugs and love!
i’m not really back in blogland and have fabric in a dye-bath so forgive my rushed response, but i did want to pop in and add a quick something..
“Because for me, that’s what it’s all about. Moving others with my work.”
this is key. somewhere down the line this needs to shift. where it becomes something like…
for me, what it’s all about, is moving MYSELF with my work.
and it might sound trite but it’s anything but that. it’s UTTERLY artistically necessary.
we, us artists, all have our Thing Of Which We Must Move Past. it can take years, and some never manage it. being aware is a big step.
i’ll save that vid, always happy to hear others take on this…. keep on keeping on!
Wow. So wise are your words and so right. Thanks, Autumn. I never really thought about it but I do have to move myself with my work, because that’s what it’s all about. Thanks for making that switch in thinking for me. I have some journeying to do. <3
I so understand what you’re writing here. I think every person out there who does something creative has the same feeling every now and then. Comparing yourself to others is deadly to your creativity. You don’t know how much they’ve struggled, you only see the end result. There might be a whole trashbin full of frustrations next to their table ….. Being afraid of not living up to expectations is deadly too. I have found that there’s always someone out there who likes what you’re doing, even if you don’t like it yourself. Try to create for yourself, regardless the outcome. I have been painting for more than 10 years now, and it’s only in the last 2 years or so that I really create for myself, and (try to) not care what anyone else thinks of it. And my work has become better because of this, more real, more myself. You’ll get there, just hang in there and trust in yourself. And be kind to yourself, not everything needs to be perfect ….(whatever that is !)
Thank you, Denise. Such kind words and so wise as well. They lift me up. I think my biggest challenge is seeing into me and not past me. Yes, that’s what I need to do. It’s been all my life seeing past me so it may take me years, as you say, but I do need to start. Thank you so much. <3
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This! So much everyday! XOXO