maybe ‘promise’ is to harsh a word. seems like work to me, not a word. i already feel i’ve put too much pressure on myself – or the wrong kind of pressure.
yesterday was a new moon. an eclipse. big deal. yes, big deal. it forced me to think hard about where I was headed. i tried to slow down the cogs in my wheels and grab onto something. instead, i spilled one of the most perfect cups of tea all over the dining room table. my mood spilled over too. i felt defeated. angry. i wanted to cry.
it’s the same thing every day for me, over here. i get up and hope to feel organized. get lessons running, with no whining, no segues, because segues lead to lessons going awry and then i feel like, yet again, i’ve failed.
i know, crazy. what’s the big deal?
I CANNOT GET ANYTHING DONE. for me. i cannot get anything done. i cannot even get through all of our lessons. i get distracted and discouraged. discombobulated. dispirited.
i think, just now, this came to me: if I am getting distracted and all ‘dis’ed maybe that’s a sign too. if the boys are having a hard time maybe things really need to change. not just for me but for us.
i try super-hard to wake up before everyone to get my own time. to feel like i’ve accomplished something huge. even if it’s just reading and a tea. that’s huge when there are no distractions.
I super-love those boys of mine. it’s a ‘give-up-my-life-in-an-instant’ kind of love. they come first.
but, I am falling behind.
last night, as i felt sorry for myself but knew that my mood wasn’t because i was angry at anyone other than myself, i realized i was not just tired from the busy days and the working evenings. i was tired of me. oh, poor me. boo-hoo.
it was true. but, i wasn’t feeling sorry for myself. i was sick and tired of not getting anywhere. it wasn’t an ‘I’m a failure, I can’t do anything right’ type of sick and tired, although i have had those and not just once or twice. i was angry at myself for wanting so much and sleeping in because i was still so tired. i was tired because i wanted so much and wasn’t getting any closer to achieving.
so, like i said, getting ready for bed…i grabbed my tarots and mixed them up until one fell out of my hand.
the full moon. upside down.
that’s not unintentional in any way, shape or form.
that’s the universe saying, ‘hey, Crazy, buck up. it’s time to change things and really get the ball rolling. this is the smack in your face to let you know that yes, you are thinking the right thing, you do have somewhere to go, somewhere you need to be inside, and if you don’t start today you won’t start tomorrow.’
that new moon looked so inviting and so challenging. the cards don’t lie. i had been staring my challenge in the face for a couple of months now, with much trepidation. but, that upside down moon was telling me that my intuition was right. a self-dedication to be made and a road to start travelling. get up early, get things done. for me. for them. but for me too. stop always putting others first. he will be okay if there are nights you do your own thing. he wants you to. you need definition.
so, here i am. up early and writing. feels good. i feel i am already getting something done.
i finished my sun salutations as the lovely tea steeped too…i may need another cup…
now, off to do for me before the rest of the world wakes up and i do for them. now, willingly, because i am doing for me, which isn’t always easy but who said it would be. it’s super-duper-not-easy.